In Real Life: My Journey to a Pixelated World Read online

About Time

  The Notebook

  Twilight

  How to Get over a Breakup

  Get a puppy! Just kidding. Look, love hurts, and the mourning process of a breakup is different for everyone. Some people like to get right back in the game and start dating again to take their mind off of it. I think that’s a bad idea. The only real cure for heartbreak is time. Distract yourself as much as possible, but also make sure to let yourself feel the sad emotions—don’t bottle them up inside. Rely on your friends for support, and remember that it’s okay to be vulnerable. I promise, you will get over the person someday. It will take time (longer for some people than others), but try to learn something new about yourself with every relationship. It will help you figure out what you really want out of a partner in the future.

  Chapter 18

  The Beyond-Amazing Race

  You never know when your life is going to change. It was just a regular Thursday when I got a call from Cat about a crazy, exciting opportunity: “A friend of mine who’s a producer just called me and said she’s looking for a team of two guys to be on The Amazing Race. Would you be interested?” My answer: “UM, HELL YES.” I desperately needed something big to distract me from the breakup with Preston, but I’d also been obsessed with that show for years. Who wouldn’t want to get to travel all over the world for free while solving fun puzzles and challenges for a shot at winning $1 million? I told her Luke and I could try out together.

  As soon as I got back to Los Angeles, we threw together an audition tape. On it, we talked about how Luke was a big troublemaker whenever we were together—how he would always try to get me to do dumb things like jump over a backyard fire at a party. We included a scene of us arm wrestling that we shot especially for the audition. After we sent it out, a producer named Lynne called us almost immediately and invited us to Finals Week at the Marriott in downtown LA.

  We packed our bags and headed over, and from the start, it felt as if we’d been thrown into the actual Hunger Games. There were all these other teams of two on lockdown for the same reason as us, but we weren’t allowed to talk to any of them. We’d see them at the pool and at the gym and during meals, but in between, everyone was hyperfocused on training for a spot on the show. When the teams did see each other, there was all this tension, like we were from different districts in Panem.

  The key was learning how to nail the final interview with executives from CBS. I thought Luke and I were naturals, but after our first practice session with Lynne, she flat-out told us that we were crap.

  “Listen,” she said. “You can’t just tell me that you’re an adventurous person. I need to hear the adventure. I want the whole story, and I want details. You need to show that you can tell a good story and that you have fantastic chemistry.”

  We kept at it, but in the end we didn’t make it. “Sorry, you’re just not right for CBS,” we were told. So we went home and I thought that was the end of it—until I got a phone call two days later from Lynne.

  “Look,” she said. “We actually really like you, but felt that the dynamic between you and Luke is just really weird. He’s ten years older than you, and we think he really holds you back. Can you think of anyone else you might want to audition with?”

  I thought about it for a few seconds. I could understand why they thought we might not have the best on-screen chemistry. As close as Luke and I were, I still wasn’t totally used to being friends with guys. My whole life I’d always felt more comfortable around girls. So I asked if they’d be willing to consider a girl instead of a guy, and she said yes.

  “Oh, well that opens a ton of doors,” I said. “Let me make a call and I’ll get right back to you.”

  I immediately thought of Meghan. Of all my female friends, she was the most adventurous and outgoing. She’d already traveled all over the world, so she would have great specific stories for the interview, and I knew she’d be awesome at navigating strange places. Plus we had a cool story about our friendship—how we had met through YouTube, and hosting channels on YouTube had become both of our full-time jobs. I figured we couldn’t lose. We threw together an audition tape, dubbed ourselves Team Cute, and really amped up the charm. It worked—we got called in to do an interview in front of all the same execs. I thought we had it in the bag, but then weeks went by with no official word. Finally Lynne called.

  “I have some bad news,” she said. “Unfortunately we can’t get you in this season, but we’re going to try and keep you guys as an alternate. So if for some reason another team can’t do it, you will take their place, although that’s pretty unlikely at this point. You can always try again next season!”

  I was bummed out. Twice now I’d put everything into getting onto the show, and twice I’d been rejected. It was Emerson all over again. To make matters worse, I had developed a serious pain in my jaw. I had known for a while that I had to get my wisdom teeth removed, and since I wasn’t going to be doing any traveling, it seemed like a good time to finally get it done.

  I got home from the surgery still woozy from the anesthesia and pretty high on painkillers when I got another call from Lynne.

  “Joey, I’ve got incredible news,” she said. “We need you to be on The Amazing Race after all!”

  “Huh?” You gotta be kidding me, I thought. I wasn’t sure if I was hallucinating from all the drugs.

  “We had a team drop out and we need you guys!”

  Until the day we left for the race, a part of me wondered if we were going to get one last call telling us the deal was off. I just couldn’t believe this was happening. We weren’t allowed to tell anyone what we were doing, but I swore Cat to secrecy so that she could take over my Twitter account while I was away. I worked overtime to shoot a ton of videos for her to post on my YouTube channel so that it would seem like I was still in town.

  When Meghan and I returned from filming the show, we were still under an embargo to not say anything about where we’d been, so it was a massive relief to finally get permission from the network to spill the news to everyone. Once the show started airing, we set up a weekly viewing party with Luke, Ingrid, Whitney, Cat, Justine, and whoever else happened to drop by. The tension was nuts because we were never allowed to tell anyone if we were going to get booted each week.

  It was bizarre to see our experiences over the course of entire days get compressed into tiny segments. I know that reality shows are all about the editing, but I was shocked at just how much got left out. I understood why it happened, but we kept hitting Pause on the television to fill everyone in on things that didn’t make the cut. Like when we were searching for our next clue on a beach in Bora Bora and found a tee-shirt tied to a branch. Meghan and I were convinced it held the information we needed, so we pored over every word on the shirt’s label, until we suddenly noticed that the rest of the contestants were all digging through sandcastles on a nearby beach. Turned out the shirt just belonged to someone local who had tied it to the tree to dry.

  My favorite challenge by far took place in Germany, where I was sent into an underground labyrinth to search for a clue. The only hint I was given about what I was going to experience was a note that said, “Who wants to go tripping?” I volunteered (I mean, why not?) and am happy that I did. I entered a doorway, pushed through a mirror, and descended into the most insane, hallucinogenic, Alice in Wonderland–style maze of tunnels. It was like being in a funhouse that went on forever, with slides to swoop down, ladders to climb, holes to crawl through, and flashing lights and creepy mannequins everywhere. By the time I reached the end—a boiler room straight out of A Nightmare on Elm Street—I was ready to turn right back around and explore it all over again, but I had to collect the next clue and rush to our next destination.

  The hardest and worst challenge we experienced was in Switzerland, where we had to climb up a massive snowy mountain with two sleds. Once we reached the summit, we were presented with two fifty-pound wheels of cheese and each team had to take two of them back down the mounta
in while keeping them on our sleds the whole time. We froze our butts off, and it was almost impossible to keep the cheese wheels from sliding away.

  We felt as if we were filming for months, but in reality it was only about four weeks. We finally got booted off on the tenth leg of the race. It was pretty devastating; I knew that we had much more in us. Everyone at the viewing party—including my dad, who happened to be in town visiting—got a little teary when our final episode aired. But I could hardly complain. We got to experience adventures most people only dream of. And apparently we were pretty well liked too. We ended up getting called back a year later to appear on an All-Stars edition. Never in a million, trillion years could I have imagined that the cross-country road trip I’d taken with Brittany just a few years back would have led to a much-longer journey across the entire planet.

  How to Ace a Reality Television Audition Tape

  1. Be an extreme version of you.

  2. Have an interesting background, or make one up.

  3. Share stories from your past, and be detailed. Relate these stories back to the show.

  4. Really know the show you’re auditioning for. If you notice that they keep casting certain archetypes, then play up to the one that best fits your personality.

  5. That being said, put your own personal spin on that archetype. Does the show love casting a crazy, jealous bitch each season? Then be a crazy, jealous bitch who is also a cat hoarder. Let’s face it, the majority of these shows are all about acting anyway.

  Five Other Reality Competition Shows I’d Die to Be On (Attention, Producers!)

  Survivor. After making it through so many physical challenges on The Amazing Race, I know I would kick ass on this show. Plus I’m excellent at making (and breaking) alliances.

  America’s Next Top Model. I knew how to smize before I could even talk.

  Wipe Out. Even if you screw up within the first ten seconds on this show, it still looks like so much fun falling off the huge obstacle courses. But I’m pretty agile and I bet I’d make it pretty far.

  Double Dare 2000. I’d need a time machine in order to do it, but I watched this show so much when I was little and I’d do anything to play. It was half crazy-easy trivia (I always knew the answers) and half challenges like digging for flags in a giant ice-cream sundae. Basically, nerd kid nirvana.

  Figure It Out. Another one that isn’t on anymore, but who wouldn’t like to be there in person to watch celebs like Ariana Grande get slimed?

  Chapter 19

  The Return of Preston

  It’s weird how exes always pop back into your life at the worst time, just when everything is going great and you think you’re finally on the other side.

  I was still riding pretty high from my experience on The Amazing Race when I went to a NerdHQ party during Comic-Con in San Diego. NerdHQ is a big event that takes place at the same time as Comic-Con and hosts cool pop culture panels. I was standing in a corner flirting with a cute guy named Jeremy when I heard someone behind me say my name.

  I slowly turned around, and there he was. Looking as gorgeous as ever and still wearing a damn deep V-neck tee-shirt. Preston’s hair was a little bit shorter, but he still smelled like the same cologne I’d loved.

  It was the worst timing ever. Jeremy excused himself, and Preston was grinning as if we’d just seen each other a few days ago. I saw Whitney from across the room, and she was glaring at him with death-ray laser eyes.

  “What’s up, man?” he said, giving me a hug. I tried to keep my arms at my sides but I couldn’t help myself and hugged him back. It felt so good to be wrapped up in him again, even if for just a second. “What have you been up to? Besides The Amazing Race, duh. Congratulations on that, by the way!”

  “Thanks. Oh, you know, YouTube stuff. It’s pretty much my entire life.”

  “It’s really good to see you,” he said. “I’ve missed you. All this fantasy stuff has been reminding me of you today!”

  He babbled on about what he was doing there, but I didn’t hear a word he said. I couldn’t believe he was standing there, talking to me in the flesh. I felt like I was going to pass out. I had finally, finally just gotten over him, and here he was again. All of my feelings for him came rushing back, and they were powerful enough to make me feel that I was having an anxiety attack. I glanced over at Whitney, and she was pointing furiously toward the door, as if to say, Let’s get out of here.

  I had no idea what to say to him so I figured she probably had the right idea. I quickly excused myself and fled.

  “Holy crap,” she said as we left. “What the hell is Deep V doing here?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “Well I’m proud of you for leaving,” she said. “It’s better not to engage.”

  I knew she was right, but I lasted only about twenty-four hours before I caved and texted him.

  It was good seeing you. We should have a real catch-up soon.

  Totally, he wrote back almost immediately. What are you doing next week when we’re back in LA?

  I was so confused. Was he into me again? Was he asking me out on a date? I didn’t know how I felt about it, so I told him I’d reach out once I got home. I didn’t want to come across as too eager. When I finally did text him, his suggestion as to what we should do cracked me up. It was too ironic.

  It’s my birthday next week, he wrote. I‘m having a party and you should come! Bring your friends!

  I decided that he definitely wanted me back.

  Since Whitney was still anti–Deep V, I brought Cat with me. The party was on the rooftop of a fancy hotel, and it was packed. I spotted Preston almost immediately, and he came bounding over and gave me a huge hug.

  “I’m so glad you could come!”

  I introduced him to Cat and handed him the gift I’d picked up, a bottle of Patrón. I’d almost brought him some sangria—a nod to the night we decided to end things—but decided that would be way too dramatic. “Nice,” he said. “Thank you! We’ll have to do a shot later.” And then he winked at me.

  Oh, it’s so back on, I thought.

  “I’ve got to say hi to some people, but you should get a drink! I’m sure there are some people here you remember.” He disappeared into the crowd.

  “What do you think?” I asked Cat.

  “He did seem awfully excited to see you,” she said. “But I agree with Whitney. You should be careful. Come on; let’s mingle.”

  We grabbed drinks at the bar and hung out near the pool, eventually joining in a conversation with a small group of people standing near us.

  “Timmy really went all out,” a girl with platinum hair said.

  “Seriously,” said her friend, who looked as if she’d been hitting the lip injections a little too hard. “I can’t imagine what it must have cost to rent this place out.”

  “Who’s Timmy?” I asked.

  “You don’t know Timmy?” the blonde asked, laughing. “Wait, who are you?

  “I’m friends with Preston, the birthday guy.”

  “Oh yeah,” Big Lips said. “Then I’m sure you know Timmy, Preston’s boyfriend.”

  I heard Cat gasp as my stomach dropped. I shouldn’t have been surprised. I played it cool—I wasn’t about to make a scene—but I managed to excuse ourselves and we hightailed it to an empty corner.

  “Oh god, Joey, I’m so sorry. What a sleazy asshole. Let’s get out of here.”

  I looked around for Preston but couldn’t see him anywhere. “No. Screw it. We’re at a party, and I’m not going to let his bullshit chase us off. There are enough people here that we can avoid him.” It’s not like we had to try, though. I didn’t see him again for the rest of the night, and despite my best efforts to meet new people and be upbeat, we eventually called it a night.

  He texted the next day: Hey sorry I didn’t get a chance to talk to you more last night, it was crazy! What’s your schedule like this week?

  I was starting to wonder if he was some sort of sociopath, totally devoid of empathy.
I texted back that I was busy. But he kept asking, and I finally gave in about a week later when he suggested that I come over to his house. I needed closure once and for all. I wanted to just ask him outright what his deal was.

  It was weird being back in his studio. Nothing much had changed, except that it looked a little smaller than I remembered. He sat on his bed, and I sat on the couch. He launched into a bunch of nervous chatter, but I interrupted him.

  “So why didn’t you tell me that you have a boyfriend?”

  He looked uncomfortable. “I guess because I’m not really happy with him. I’m sort of confused, so it feels weird to call him my boyfriend. We started dating not long after you and I broke up.”

  “So that’s why you just stopped talking to me last year? I thought we were at least going to stay friends.”

  He played with the edge of his blue bedspread, pulling at a loose thread. “I sort of stopped talking to everybody for a while after that. I was going through something. I don’t know. I just wanted to focus on my career.”

  “How’s that going?”

  He shrugged, and suddenly I just felt sorry for him. The big bad wolf I’d created in my mind was gone. I’d spent over a year building him up as someone huge, almost mythological. But during that same time, I’d managed to accomplish a lot. I realized that in pushing myself to do more and more in my life and with my YouTube channel, I’d been moving on without even realizing it. I felt an enormous weight lift from my body.

  I was over him.

  Ten Qualities I Now Look for in a Boyfriend

  1. Confidence

  2. Ambition

  3. Facial hair (I like them manly = P)

  4. Muscles, always a plus

  5. Good work ethic

  6. Loving

  7. Must make me laugh

  8. Challenges me to be a better person

  9. Makes me feel safe when I’m scared

  10. Someone independent and comfortable in social settings

  Six Dating Red Flags: How to Tell If He or She Isn’t Right for You